I was recently told my ex-boyfriend had a fight with his current girlfriend…over something she read on my blog.

Let’s quickly lay down the facts before we dive in:

• She doesn’t follow me on social media.
• She doesn’t live anywhere close to me.
• We have never met before.
• I have no idea what she looks like.
• She somehow found her way to what I’m guessing was my Instagram, clicked on the link in the bio, and started to take a read.

All in all, she wasn’t pleased.

Truth be told, it didn’t matter. Either way, she’d feel worse after reading anything I had to say. Why? Because I’m the ex-girlfriend.

We’re wired to dislike the ex-girlfriend. It doesn’t make sense not to. Men like a challenge, but women love the competition. We like to win just as much as the other.

Don’t get me wrong, guys do it too. They’re just entirely better at keeping it a secret. And to be clear, I’m not judging anyone who does. It’s completely natural. We’re innately jealous, competitive beings…some more so than others.

I’ll gladly admit to stalking the old flings and exes of guys I used to date. To be honest, it was always kind of fun, but I had these unrealistic expectations that it would help me understand more about his past relationships. Instead, I always walked away with even more questions and I never, EVER felt good about it. At the end of the day, it just felt sneaky, and it definitely didn’t make me a better person.

It never made me feel superior or more secure in my relationship. If anything, it did the opposite. Dating a guy another girl once dated doesn’t make you better, and clicking through her posts from the beginning of time doesn’t give you an inside look at their past. Even if it did, how do you benefit from it?

All in all, stalking your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend is a dead end. A lost cause. A vain attempt. It might even do you more harm than good. Here’s why:

Just because you’re dating him doesn’t mean you’ve won.

First thing’s first: he and his previous girlfriend(s) broke up for a reason, so the fact that you’re dating him now might only mean you’re more compatible with him. Either that, or it hasn’t been long enough for you to learn each other’s flaws. Your best chance at long-term success in a new relationship? Leave the past exactly where it belongs…in the past. Figure out if it’s the real thing for yourself.

You will literally achieve nothing.

You’ll swipe through pictures of her and some friends in Cancun. Perhaps you’ll find a few photos of him and her together at a country concert way back when. but you’ll learn nothing about the nature of their relationship. You won’t discover how they felt about each other or if they still have feelings for one another now. In all seriousness, if his past relationships concern you, just ask him about it. At that point, all you can do is hope for the truth. Surprisingly, in this day and age, an honest conversation still goes a long way.

You’ll look for reasons to silently bully her.

You’ll point out petty things you’ve labeled unattractive, like her mustard yellow sweater and the fact that she’s obviously trying to show off her boobs in that one picture. Do you feel better about yourself when you laugh at the color of her clothes? If so, take a lap.

Your mood will instantly drop.

 There’s no way you’ll look through pictures of the girl your boyfriend once dated and feel one hundred percent about it. More likely, you’ll get angry. mad. jealous. concerned. threatened. whatever. Either way, you’re not going to skip away smiling after a good session of stalking. If you think otherwise, you’re mistaken. There’s no gray area here.

You’ll never stop being curious.

Once you start looking, you’ll continuously want to know what she’s up to. Even if you aren’t suspicious of her lingering presence in his life, you’ll keep checking up to confirm you’re still in the lead: has she gained weight? Is she still single? It’s been over a year since she graduated college. Isn’t it hilarious that she still doesn’t have a job? No. Don’t treat other women like that. It’s childish and it’s unfair. Just live your life and let her do the same. Let it go and move forward.

In every other situation, I strongly disagree with the phrase “ignorance is bliss,” but in this case, it might actually be applicable.

My best advice is to stop digging for answers through the social presence of an ex. Create your own story. Don’t ever try to rewrite someone else’s.

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